I happened to be up early enough this morning and with time to kill before work so I flipped on the Today Show. A report caught my attention and immediately made me think of this blog. I have to know what you think of this. Read the full report here and then comment and tell me what’s going on in your head. There’s also an article in this month’s Marie Claire that you can read here.
Apparently, there are over 2 million women in America are non-custodial mothers. These are women who have gotten divorced and relinquish physical custody to the father. Now, I don’t want this to become a discussion about divorce, but I do think it’s interesting the stigma attached to women who do decide to allow their ex-husbands physical custody of the children. At first I was shocked and appalled, but then, I started to understand why a person’s initial reaction to that mother would be to judge. After being entrenched in a social idea that women should always have custody, that women should always be the primary caregiver, it’s hard for some to wrap their minds around the idea that a mother who loves her children (because all the mothers mentioned in this story seem like loving, involved mothers) would be willing to hand over physical custody, but why is it not an outrage for a dad who loves his children to give up custody? It’s becoming more and more acceptable for a dad to be the primary caregiver (whether the couple is still together or not), but on the other side of the coin, women are still being stigmatized when they give up their socially accepted role.
We can’t forget that divorce is messy, and these decisions aren’t made lightly. I don’t think these moms just said, “You’ll take the kids!? Awesome!” The final point I think is we can’t judge people just because of what we see on the surface of their lives. We don’t know how they came to that point in their life, and often, we don’t know anything about who they really are so we can’t place a double standard on a woman who gives up custody of her children just because 70% of divorced women with children choose to take primary custody of their children.
Unfortunately, double standards and suffocating stereotypes exist for everyone it seems, and all we can do is make sure we don’t inflict these hurtful judgements on those who choose to break the norm and that we don’t allow stereotypes to keep us from doing what we and God feel is best for our lives.
This quote really resonated with me:
“We have a very deeply held social feeling that the mother-child bond is sacred, and good moms protect and nurture their children.”
I think, as the article points out, it IS really important though to recognize the disconnect between this feeling and reality. And I also think it’s important, as you pointed out, to withhold our judgment. It’s probably safe to say that there are so many messy and heart-wrenching factors going on behind the scenes in any situation like this. So much that we just don’t understand from the outside. And I’m glad this article pointed out a gender bias that I didn’t even realize existed.
However, I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of any parent “abandoning” their child…moms or dads. I’m sure there are times when it’s in the child’s best interest. But. I feel so silly, but I just read this, so I’m gonna quote Harry Potter: “Parents should never leave their kids. Unless they absolutely have to.”
I didn’t realize this gender bias existed either until I saw this report! That’s why I felt it important to post this. I’m not sure if these women are abandoning their children, as they still are active in their kids lives, but I think people look at it like that because it’s so easy to see it through that lens. But I feel like I can’t really speak with that much authority on the subject because I’m completely on the outside. I know people whose parents split and even though their parents had joint custody, they still felt abandoned by the parent they didn’t live with full time.
More complex than can be covered here. Some women *do* abandon their kids in essence, while they do seem “involved.” I am a Christian, single parent, and a custodial parent of two daughters, one now in college, the other still here at home. Mom ‘gave up’ fighting all too easy on the older one; statements she made indicated the younger was her favorite. But she gave up on the younger one when she became difficult to handle as a teen. After that she started “courting” the older girl. Divorce is bad enough but how this has effected my children has been sad and tragic. I know some parents who shared custody of their daughter- she seems much less damaged than most kids of split families. I think there is a lesson in that. I also think some of the stigma of “giving up custody” is deserved. However, I also believe that the primary cause of divorce is selfishness, so it should be no surprise that children in primary custody of either mom or dad can feel abandoned. Some married women in my church took as a ministry to mentor my daughters. The older one has turned out well- I thank the Lord. The younger is still….maturing. I think those involved women who have taken my daughters under their wings have done them a huge service in messing up the curve.
God bless.